WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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