Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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