I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
