Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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