we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
