Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This baby is an asshole
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
