she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i think my cat just said my name.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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