LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..