Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she told me i tasted like america
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night