Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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