I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
