I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
