so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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