I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
