i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
