Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
