i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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