are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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