if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
