I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
