Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
