Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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