i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
