I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
