He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Randomize
