If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
