don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
