i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
