I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
