I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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