we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
