just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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