he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
