he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
