what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
