Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
