I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
