And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
