Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
