i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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