brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm so fucking centered right now
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
