as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
