I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
