Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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