I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
