somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
