I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Randomize
