just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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