come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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