I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
