just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
