I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
