A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
