I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
