At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
